Although a lot has changed lately, I finally feel like I’m in the right head-space to write again and I’ve decided to start with a tell-all. I’m going to take you through how I learned that I’m not only pansexual and demisexual, but also genderfluid. Let’s jump right in, shall we?
Figuring Things Out
I could feel everyone’s eyes on me when my best friend came out in middle school. We were inseparable, always holding hands and walking together. When you’re raised as a girl, you’re socialized to make a lot of physical contact with other girls. No one really thinks anything of it until someone’s sexuality is called into question. So, as my best friend revealed that she liked girls, everyone turned to me and waited to see if I would make a similar announcement.
I didn’t.
In 2009, I was very much so far in the closet that I could’ve had tea with Mr. Tumnus and gotten cryptic, yet wise, advice from Aslan. When my friend came out, I did the only thing I could: lie. I knew that I liked her and I knew that it was as more than just a friend, but I wasn’t ready to tell that to the world. So, I pushed it even deeper inside of me. That is, until high school.
It only took two years after my first brush with coming out for me to really know that I couldn’t hide from this forever. While on a tour of my first high school, I met someone incredible. Smart, funny, sassy… and very much a girl. We didn’t get close until a fire drill during my first week of school caused us to actually realize we were in the same geometry class. Honestly, I have no idea how I missed her. From then on, we passed notes in class, hung out at lunch, and talked about everything.
I fell in love with her, but she died before I ever told her.
Coping with Loss
After that, I decided to ignore that part of me: the one that whispered things to me and scared me. I didn’t want to have to live a life being afraid of who I loved or who I was. It didn’t seem like the universe wanted me to explore those feelings, so I threw myself into pretending to be cishet.
I broke up with my long-term boyfriend during my junior year of high school, and dated another guy for almost a year before I got back together with the first guy. I was pretty messed up, if I’m being honest. Losing someone I’d loved, even in secret, and a myriad of other thoughts and feelings were being badly repressed in my mind. It all manifested as indecision, depression, self-esteem issues, anxiety, impulse control problems, you name it. I was in a very dark place, and I didn’t know how to bring myself out of it.
Coming Out: Take 1
My first story of coming out is honestly a total fluke. My third high school had a lounge area for us to hang out and eat lunch in. I was sitting on a desk reading a book when I heard some guys behind me discussing an actress and how hot they thought she was. For the life of me, I cannot remember which actress it was, but I do remember agreeing with them aloud mindlessly. I turned to look at them to see if I’d actually said it aloud and their faces confirmed it. The next day at lunch, someone came up to me and said: “So, you like women?” And that was that. I came out to a school of like 150 teenagers overnight by total accident, and it made me feel better.
Coming out didn’t go as planned with my family. Maybe that’s a story I’ll tell someday, but not today. I’ll just say that it went about as well as expected, and I didn’t have high hopes.
Moving Up to Higher Education
With how everything had gone in high school, I knew I needed to be myself when I got to university. However, I very quickly learned that university wasn’t going to be all cool parties and acappella groups, like the movies that led me to believe. I had a very hard time finding a roommate that accepted me as a pansexual individual. It took weeks and many negative interactions, but finally I found someone that wasn’t afraid I’d “watch them undress” or something to that extent.
For a while, everything was good. I spent time at our campus’s GLBT Center, started therapy, and did a lot of self-reflection. It was a lot of new experiences to handle all at once: being out and learning to be proud. My quest for self-acceptance helped me find out even more about myself, like that I was also demisexual and that I was honestly unhappy with where I was at.
You’re probably thinking that I made some changes once I realized how unhappy I was, right?
Of course not. I just did the only thing I knew how to do and pushed the unhappiness so far down that I could pretend that I was happy.
My Turning Point
I reached the end of my rope in 2017. I’d just finished up my second year of university when I hopped on a plane to Montreal, Quebec. I’d talked my way into a symposium about accessibility needs in post-secondary education and the workforce. At the time, I was living with my long-term boyfriend in an open relationship situation, and I was growing more unhappy and restless by the day. I thought that this trip would give me some time and space to figure things out, but I was not prepared for what did happen.
The first night, I stayed with a woman that I’d met in Seattle, Washington at the previous symposium. She suggested we go get gelato with her son and her research assistant, and I was too anxious to say that I don’t know how to be a real person in public with strangers.
Meeting Alex
When Alex walked in, I knew that there was no way I could get through this field trip without making an idiot out of myself. You know that moment in a Hallmark movie when one person looks at the other and the world sort of stops around them for a moment? Yeah, that’s what it felt like.
So, what do you do when the most beautiful woman you’ve ever seen walks into the room and then drives you to get gelato? You either stay too quiet or ramble on too much, leave your phone in her car and have to go back to get it, and you send an SOS message to your best friend because your life just got way more complicated than you ever anticipated it could be.
I spent most of that week with Alex, getting to know her and trying to keep my cool. When I left Montreal, I knew that I needed to make some big changes in my life.
Fixing Things
I got back to NC on June 2, broke up with my then boyfriend on June 5, and moved back in with my dad on June 6. I think it was pretty efficient, although terrifying.
That summer was spent taking classes and trying to pull my life together. Really, it went better than expected and the time flew by. Before I knew it, it was August and I was moving into my apartment on campus. Alex and I started dating soon after that and the semester started as a whirlwind. I interned with an organization that I loved, made some steps towards graduation, and got word that I was going to study abroad in Ireland in the spring.
I started off 2018 by going to visit with Alex before jumping across the pond to Europe. Studying abroad was amazing, and I have so many stories to eventually share.
I came back invigorated and ready to finish my final semester of university. That semester flew by and soon I was walking across the stage to get my degree (holder). My newfound freedom of an online graduate program allowed me to head to Montreal and stay there full-time.
It’s been like a dream come true, and I’m so glad that it all came together like it did.
My Gender Identity
If you’ll notice, I haven’t said anything about my gender identity throughout this tell-all so far. I only talked about coming out as pansexual and figuring out my life.
Today, I am proud to say that I am a demi-pan, genderfluid individual.
I can honestly say that I have never felt like a girl. I think one of the main things that I struggled with while coming to terms with my sexuality was that I didn’t know how to handle labels that relied inherently on me being female.
Around the time I was hiding in the closet in middle school, I’d looked into terms for sexuality and gender. Slowly, questions began to form in my mind. It was a scary situation for me, though, so I tried to push them away. Over time, the questions started to gnaw at me, demanding attention. When I got to university, I started doing more research. It wasn’t until I went to Ireland, however, that things started to come together.
What’s in a name?
My good friend, Nick, gave me the nickname “Lynnjamin”. The masculinity of it forced me to confront my questions head on. I’d never liked any of the nicknames I’d been given as much as I did this one. If someone were to say it quickly, a passerby could mistake it for a man’s name – and I loved that.
I never felt like a girl, but I never wanted to be a boy. I just loved the ambiguity of the nickname and how people would pause at it.
Much more research led me to the term “genderfluid,” and it was like something just clicked inside of me. I did what so many other trans people do and used baby name websites to search for what I needed: an androgynous and ambiguous name to fit who I was inside. After some soul searching, I finally settled on the name Eli. When I returned to NC State, I started reintroducing myself as Eli and the rest is history.
Coming Out: Take 2 (in progress)
I recently came out as genderfluid on Facebook and Instagram on March 31, 2019. I feel so fortunate to have so many amazing friends who have been supportive. They’ve immediately switched to using Eli and gender neutral pronouns for me. My family reacted, again, as anticipated, but that’s still a story for another day. Alex and her family have been incredible, and I am so grateful for that.
For now, I’ll just tell you that I feel good. Now that I’m out, it’s like there are so many possibilities for my gender expression that I never even considered. It’s like I never realized how hard I was working to fit in until I stopped trying. I expect some big changes to happen over the next few years, and I can hardly wait!
I know that I’ll spend the rest of my life coming out, so this tell-all is only the beginning. Things are probably going to be hard for me because of who I am. However, I also know that I have an amazing support system of friends and Alex that will be there for me no matter what.
Prequels or sequels to this tell-all
If you want to know more, stick around! This tell-all is only the beginning of my story.
For already published pieces, please check out the posts below!